The following post is an edited transcript of the video version of Kristine & Carmen’s episode titled, “Did I Forgive, Even Though I Can’t Forget?” You can view the video conversation here:

Did I really forgive the person if I’m not able to forget? Sometimes memories of past pain pop up suddenly. I can be walking down the aisle at the grocery store, see a person who hurt me, and all those feelings start flooding back. I want to avoid them, so I speed to the next row so that I can avoid facing them.

I understand the need for forgiveness, and I believe God wants us to forgive. His Word shows us this in Colossians 3:13, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”

But where I struggle is, how do I know if I’ve really forgiven? When those memories come flooding back, I feel the familiar anger and bitterness returning. Does that mean I didn’t really forgive the person?

What the Bible Says About Forgiving and Forgetting

Many of us have heard the familiar phrase, “Forgive and forget,” but is it even possible?

My co-host Carmen Horne encourages us with this truth: One of the great benefits of our salvation is that Jesus chooses to forget our sins. He separates our sins from us as far as the east is from the west.

“He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.” (Psalm 103:12)

Carmen goes on to say that we can take comfort in knowing our memories are not like a computer hard drive where we can wipe those things out. (You can hear the audio version of this episode on the podcast here.)

We have our memories, and that’s okay. God created us that way. He calls us his masterpiece. He said the day he created Adam and Eve was a good day, so we can have peace knowing God doesn’t expect us to forget.

It’s what we do with our memories that matters.

The Relationship Between Taking Our Thoughts Captive and Forgiveness

In a previous episode, we talked about the importance of taking our thoughts captive and ways to do that. There are so many situations that can trigger us; or in other words, remind us of the hurt we went through. Those things can ambush us. When they do, we need to pause, give ourselves a talk, and remind ourselves that we chose to forgive the offense.

It can also help to offer ourselves grace through the process.

Because it’s easy to entertain bad memories when they try to take over. I can sense bitterness starting as a small seed and beginning to grow. When bitterness tries to take root and I question whether I’ve really forgiven, here are the first two steps in applying the daily discipline of taking my thoughts captive.

Step one: Recognize the bitterness when it happens, and praise God that I’m able to recognize it.

Step two: Take control of that thought by reminding myself who God is.

Once I deal with those thoughts, I will be able to resist the lie that says I haven’t forgiven, just because I can’t forget what happened.

In Psalm 25, David gives us a beautiful example of forgiveness that relates to how I’m able to forgive in my life today. In Psalm 25:11, David says, “For the honor of your name, o Lord, forgive my many, many sins.” But just before he asks God to forgive him, he proclaims the goodness of God’s character.

“Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love, which you have shown from long ages past. Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth. Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O Lord.” (Psalm 25:6-7)

Our lives are messy. We’ve made mistakes in our past, and there’s nothing we can do in our own strength to fix that. I can sometimes think that forgetting is something I need to do, and by forgetting, I’m taking action to show God (and myself) that I’ve forgiven. But David shows us a better way. He points out God’s character. He asks God not to remember him because of his faults but in light of who God is. So when we’re tempted to question if we’ve forgiven, we can apply this truth from David’s example.

God’s forgiveness is not available to us because of our actions but because of his character.

Because God forgives, I forgive. And God will help me through my struggles with the bad memories.

When we want to be mad, and we want someone to pay for our hurts, we have the power to take those thoughts captive and make the daily choice to forgive. Not by our own strength, but because of an amazing, loving God.

How We Feel About Forgiving but not Forgetting

When memories resurface from past hurt, it stinks. It feels awful. The pain can be recent and raw, or it can return unexpectedly after a long time.

Either way, it’s okay to feel that pain. Part of taking our thoughts captive is getting to the place where we can say, “Lord, somehow you are going to use this. I give this unbearable pain to you.”

Carmen reminds us once again that we have hope in this: Just because we have memories of something bad that happened to us doesn’t mean we haven’t forgiven that person. Praise God that he will guide us as we process what we can’t forget!

Forgiveness is not only a choice, but it is supernatural. We can release the burden of forgetting as we take our hurts to the Lord. Each time a memory of past hurt returns, we have the opportunity to learn, grow in his grace, and allow God to help us work through those memories to live the abundant life he gives.

The off-white carpet reeked of spoiled milk and dog hair. Apple juice spills seemed to surface out of nowhere and never go away. Why would we buy a house with off-white carpet anyway? I chastised myself.

Now sitting here with my four-year-old boy and black labradoodle, this stay-at-home mom realized lighting another candle wouldn’t help. It came down to this. Either buy one more area rug to cover up the latest stain, or break down and clean the carpet. Knowing an area rug would only provide temporary relief, I surrendered and wagged out the heavy carpet shampooer.

Keeping the boy busy playing in his room and the dog outside gave me the space needed to turn this shabby living area back into a showplace. My excitement grew just thinking about it! Look at me. Super mom. It only took an hour, and just as I finished the final pass of hot steam revealing renewed flooring in all its glory, the unthinkable happened.

Hearing a scratch at the back door, my little helper darted from his room. Before I could stop him he opened the door, allowing a 70 pound crusher of dreams to bound through the living room.

Did I mention it was raining?

His muddy paws left trails every which way as I raced to catch him. My efforts were unsuccessful. By the time he settled down, I felt an anger bubble inside me unlike anything I’d ever felt.

And I screamed.

Not just any normal I’m-a-little-upset-at-you scream. This was the kind that forms deep in the gut and burns your throat as it comes out. The kind that makes you stop and look around to see who else is in the room. Because that couldn’t have been you.

“GO TO YOUR ROOOOOOOM!” I aimed my anger at my child who was just trying to help. And he obeyed.

Oh how I wish I could have that day back. Because in the quiet of the aftermath, I realized I just needed a moment in God’s presence to bring my perspective back to where it needed to be.

“Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.” Psalm 84:10

The psalmist who wrote today’s verse knew the wonders of spending just a minute in the presence of the Lord. He compares one day with God to a thousand away from Him. This message speaks volumes to my guilty heart in a fresh new way today.

Life is filled with mistakes we wish we could take back. But God’s Word ushers in peace and grace right when we need it. One day - one minute - one moment at a time.

If one day with God will provide relief to last a thousand, how much will a single moment in his presence provide the peace we need to get through today’s challenges? So when life seems out of control and we struggle to hold it together, let’s remember this.

One minute in God’s presence will revive my withered perspective.

In the brief moment following the infamous scream incident, I reached out to God, and He met me there. His presence turned the whole atmosphere of our home into something new. Something a steam cleaner could never do. He renewed my withered perspective, and the rest of our day was filled with playing, hugging, loving, and living in His blessings.

What sweet, sweet restoration it was.

I still sometimes wish I could relive that day. Do it over with a changed vision and attitude. But I tell you this story today to offer hope.

I pray in these turbulent days you are able to find just one moment to be in His presence. Whether you’re at home attempting to keep the kids busy, an essential worker in need of rest, or an empty-nester longing for connection. One moment in His loving care is far better than a thousand anywhere else. One moment to embrace the grace to see us through.

Blessings,

Kristine