Raising My Girl: A Mom's Perspective (week 4)

by: Sabra Penley

We conclude this series on raising daughters with a guest post by someone dear to my heart. Sabra Penley is not only a genuine lady, but also a gifted communicator and teacher of God's Word. You will be blessed and challenged by her post as she shares about when our role as a mother changes.

“I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give [her] to the LORD.” – 1 Samuel 1:27-28

As I gazed into those big blue eyes looking back at me, soft tears ran down my cheeks. There I was, cradling this precious little one in my arms, who just days before had been inside me. This tiny pink bundle of joy had changed my life forever. I was a mother. And she was depending on me. Overwhelming love filled my heart and a wave of sadness washed over me that in eighteen short years my daughter would be leaving home.

Mothering is like that, you know? A rollercoaster of emotions that leaves you laughing and crying and sometimes feeling a little sick to your stomach. But it’s a ride you never want to stop…all because of overwhelming love for your child.

My bundle of joy is a beautiful new bride. And with the words “I do,” she left our home, for good, to go make her own.

I’ve been riding that wild rollercoaster over and over these last few weeks—so excited for her and her new husband, excited to get back to “just the two of us” with my husband, yet bittersweet that life has changed forever once again.

One thing’s for sure—a mom never stops being a mom.

But our role as moms looks a little different when our daughters are grown. We are no longer responsible to provide for their every need. And the decisions of life are all theirs to make, along with facing the consequences of those decisions.

As a mother, this can be hard to accept. It’s hard to loosen the apron strings and watch them go off on their own. If we don’t, though, we’ll move from mothering to smothering. And that is not part of God’s plan.

But, take heart! Our responsibility is far from over. Our daughters still need us—just not in the same way.

I think of Hannah’s prayer about her son, Samuel. She prayed so long for a child, and when God blessed her with a son, she cared for him until he was weaned. Then she presented him to the Lord and said: “I prayed for this child, and the LORD granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.”

Hannah’s prayer must become our prayer as our little girls become young women. Maybe the hardest, most important, thing a mother can do in her daughter’s life is give her over to the Lord when she becomes a woman and trust Him to take care of her.

How do we do that? On our knees…each and every day.

Praying for our girls throughout their lives is the most precious and powerful thing we moms can do for them. We can never do it too much.

And we can never do it wrong. For we have this promise: “…the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express…the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.” We may be unsure what the best thing is to pray for, but the Holy Spirit goes to the Father on our behalf and prays that best thing—His will.

Prayer is powerful. Prayer brings peace. Prayer lifts up our daughters before the Lord…right where they need to be.

In addition to prayer, we moms must be available—to listen, encourage, support, and give counsel when our daughters are open to it. They need to know they are always welcome and always loved.

And we must remember what our younger selves were like. We made mistakes (and still do). We’re all a work in progress. Our daughters will make mistakes, too. And hopefully, we all learn from them and grow in understanding and maturity. When we relate to what our daughters are going through, we can give them the space they need and yet stay close enough to be a strong support.

Our daughters leaving home to go off on their own may bring tears to our eyes, but they don’t have to be tears of sadness. It’s just a new stage—an exciting stage—in both of our lives. A stage that can draw us closer than ever, even though we’re living apart.

That rollercoaster ride isn’t over the day our daughters leave home. For a mom, it never stops. And I, for one, am glad it never ends.

Grace and peace, Sabra

Sabra Penley is a woman who loves the Lord Jesus and strives to bring Him glory each day, although she’ll tell you most days she falls short. She married her sweetheart 37 years ago and they have two grown kids—a son and a daughter (who just got married). As a new empty-nester, Sabra looks forward to a simpler season of life—taking life one day at a time, living with less, and finding joy in the details. Together with her husband, David, she writes a blog about living married life according to God’s Word at www.simplyoneinmarriage.com. You can also connect with her through www.twitter.com/SabraPenley and www.pinterest.com/savedsaver.

Life is better with a little daily encouragement. For more uplifting posts and wisdom from God's word, visit the links in the sidebar to the right. You will find wonderful devotions on these sites - #raralinkup, #intentionaltuesdays, #tellyourstory, #livefreethursdays, #dancewithjesus.

Today I am honored to introduce an amazing lady who gives practical advice that is easy to apply in our own lives. I always enjoy learning from her experiences, and I know you will too! I thank Betsy de Cruz for sharing her wisdom with us about raising a teenage daughter:

When my kids were little, older parents scared me to death by saying, “You think it’s hard now? Wait ‘til they’re teens!” I wondered how I’d survive the teenage years, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised. So far I’ve enjoyed this stage of parenting more than any other. Teenagers are fun. I can do yoga and cook with Camille. When I call home, Andres answers with his best Indian accent. “Taj Mahal Grill. How may I help you?”

Nevertheless, I see occasional fireworks, especially since I live under the same roof with a teen girl while going through pre-menopause myself. My girl and I both deal with hormones that spike and plummet. I’ve gotten better at crisis management, but some days I wonder what on earth I’m supposed to be doing.

Do you ever ask yourself, “What does my daughter need from me?”

I’m no expert. Just ask Camille. She’ll give you the story straight. But these are three things I want to learn to be a better mom.

Three Things Our Daughters Need

Let Go of Some Control

Gone are the days when we picked our daughters’ clothes and arranged their playdates. Now is not the time to micromanage, but letting go is hard for control queens like me. When my daughter turned twelve, she started experimenting with clothes. She’d wear funky combinations I didn’t like, and I’d try to get her to change. Big mistake.

To avoid needless arguments, I started asking myself, “Is this issue about right and wrong, or do I just want my own way?” Backing off on negotiables, like a schedule for cleaning her room, makes my daughter more likely to listen when bigger choices are at stake. Allowing her to make choices now also helps prepare my daughter for independence later.

Listen

Asking questions and listening to their answers helps us get to know our daughters better. It’s also a way to support them through their struggles.

The book Sticky Faith encouraged me to become a better listener. Authors Kara Powell and Chap Clark say, “Never explain something to your kid if you can ask a question instead.”

Powell and Clark cite the example of pre-marital sex. Most likely our daughters already know what we think about it, so engaging them in a dialogue that includes asking questions is more effective than telling them what we think. When we lecture, they stop listening. Asking questions empowers them and opens the door to more effective communication.

Cheer Her On

Can you remember being a teen? When you walked into the lunch room and two girls started snickering, you were sure they were laughing at you. Your teen girl faces the same challenges. A friend makes a snarky comment. A teacher gives her a bad grade. She asks herself, “Am I pretty? Am I smart? Do people like me?”

You have the opportunity to be your daughter’s greatest cheerleader.

Her relationship with you and her dad will influence her self-esteem more than anything, so lay on the encouragement! Be on the lookout for what she’s good at and encourage her to go for it. Tell her she’s pretty. Tell her you appreciate her help at home. She needs it more than you know.

Our daughters don’t need perfect moms. They need moms willing to learn to let go of some mommy control, listen, and cheer them on. Maybe what they need most is for us to love them no matter what.

Now it’s your turn. What do you think your kids need from you?

Betsy de Cruz headshot

Betsy de Cruz enjoys God, life, and dark roast coffee. She and her family live in the Middle East. Most days she feels privileged to live overseas; other days she wants to pull her hair out and catch the next plane home. Betsy’s vision is to encourage women to get God’s Word in, so their faith can spill out, even during life’s bumpy moments. You can find Betsy at her blog, faithspillingover.com , on Twitter, and on Facebook.

Mother Daughter Photo: Melika