Lately I’ve had to ask God some hard questions. The ones that seem to surface in the midst of great struggle, and I feel like I need answers if I’m going to have any hope of getting through it.

Maybe you’ve been there, too— in a place where hard questions consume your thoughts. And maybe like me, you’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out the answers on your own when you know deep down God wants us to bring our hard questions to him.

Usually these types of questions come to mind when a desperate prayer goes unanswered, or when God doesn’t answer the way I wanted. So I’m learning to trust God with my questions, because I know from past experience, the hardest questions can either pull me away from God or draw me to him.

Taking Our Hardest Questions to God When We’re Hurting

When we’re hurting, we want to ask, “Why did this happen?”

Whether walking through grief, battling discouragement, or falling into despair, I used to hesitate before asking God my hardest questions. I entertained them in my mind but stopped short of bringing them before my merciful God. I felt that questioning my circumstances would somehow disrespect him.

Well-meaning people of faith have tried to rationalize the unknown by saying things like, “...because he’s God and we’re not.” But I’ve never found comfort in that answer. Instead, it caused me to believe my God was unapproachable. That I needed to just accept the fact that he would do what he wanted, and if I questioned it, that meant I didn’t have faith.

Oh, how misguided I was.

Because the blessed truth is, God longs for us to come to him. With our concerns, doubt, and yes, even our questions. He wants us to seek him at all times.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 NIV

In the above verse, the Greek word for burdened is phortizō, meaning “to load down with a burden.” Maybe you’ve felt loaded down with the burden of unanswered prayer. Maybe tragedy struck and you’re struggling to understand how God could let it happen.

Jesus offered something in Matthew 11 no one else can give. He offered the gift of rest for our weariness, and it’s still available to us today. But we cannot experience rest if we’re weighed down with our hard questions.

Why I Need to Take My Questions to God in Prayer

If I tell God I’m angry, will he be mad at me?

After my dearest friend passed away a few years ago, I sat at my dining room table ready to have a “discussion” with the Lord. Anger over losing my friend so suddenly welled up inside.

I’d paced around the house for days, rehearsing my pain as I talked to myself about everything I didn’t understand. How could this happen? Why did our prayers for her healing go unanswered? How will her husband and son go on without her?

By the time I decided to talk to God about it, I’d worked myself into a frenzy of raw emotion. But as I released it all to him, I sensed his presence wrapping me in a loving embrace. He didn’t get mad or zap me with a bolt of lightning. He understood like no one else could.

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

That’s when I realized, it’s good to ask God my hard questions. Comforting, even. Talking to myself or screaming those questions to the universe only leads to emptiness. The universe can’t answer back, but having a conversation with God about my deepest hurts brings healing.

His holy answers give me hope. And even if God doesn’t answer right away, he wraps me in his loving care while I wait.

How to Ask God the Hard Questions

One of my favorite ways to bring my hard questions to God is through journaling.

Lately I’ve spent my mornings writing down question after question in my journal. Struggles abound as I grieve a loved one’s recent passing. My mind reels with runaway thoughts. By taking a few quiet moments to write them down, I’m preparing my heart to receive the answers God will provide.

The more time I spend in God’s Word, the easier it is to hear his voice.

So when we come to him with those hard questions, we need to also commit to spending time reading Scripture. God often speaks by bringing snippets of verses to mind— phrases or main ideas of what we've read before. Even if we don’t recall the exact reference of the Scripture, or the word-for-word translation.

God doesn’t need perfection, only our willingness to listen in his presence.

However we choose to ask him the hard questions, the important thing is to remain near to him through it all. To not push him away. We don’t need to fear how he will respond or think we should hold back our true feelings from him. God can take it.

Life is filled with hardship, and questions are certain to come. Without God, our most difficult questions will only guide us into uncertainty, angst, and hopelessness. They will pull us toward a pit of despair and away from his gentle embrace. But the best news is that it’s never too late to return to him.

Our loving Father is always ready to hear from us, with arms open wide, and he will provide a safe shelter where our questions are welcomed and grace is available.

The following post is an edited transcript of the video version of Kristine & Carmen’s episode titled, “Did I Forgive, Even Though I Can’t Forget?” You can view the video conversation here:

Did I really forgive the person if I’m not able to forget? Sometimes memories of past pain pop up suddenly. I can be walking down the aisle at the grocery store, see a person who hurt me, and all those feelings start flooding back. I want to avoid them, so I speed to the next row so that I can avoid facing them.

I understand the need for forgiveness, and I believe God wants us to forgive. His Word shows us this in Colossians 3:13, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”

But where I struggle is, how do I know if I’ve really forgiven? When those memories come flooding back, I feel the familiar anger and bitterness returning. Does that mean I didn’t really forgive the person?

What the Bible Says About Forgiving and Forgetting

Many of us have heard the familiar phrase, “Forgive and forget,” but is it even possible?

My co-host Carmen Horne encourages us with this truth: One of the great benefits of our salvation is that Jesus chooses to forget our sins. He separates our sins from us as far as the east is from the west.

“He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.” (Psalm 103:12)

Carmen goes on to say that we can take comfort in knowing our memories are not like a computer hard drive where we can wipe those things out. (You can hear the audio version of this episode on the podcast here.)

We have our memories, and that’s okay. God created us that way. He calls us his masterpiece. He said the day he created Adam and Eve was a good day, so we can have peace knowing God doesn’t expect us to forget.

It’s what we do with our memories that matters.

The Relationship Between Taking Our Thoughts Captive and Forgiveness

In a previous episode, we talked about the importance of taking our thoughts captive and ways to do that. There are so many situations that can trigger us; or in other words, remind us of the hurt we went through. Those things can ambush us. When they do, we need to pause, give ourselves a talk, and remind ourselves that we chose to forgive the offense.

It can also help to offer ourselves grace through the process.

Because it’s easy to entertain bad memories when they try to take over. I can sense bitterness starting as a small seed and beginning to grow. When bitterness tries to take root and I question whether I’ve really forgiven, here are the first two steps in applying the daily discipline of taking my thoughts captive.

Step one: Recognize the bitterness when it happens, and praise God that I’m able to recognize it.

Step two: Take control of that thought by reminding myself who God is.

Once I deal with those thoughts, I will be able to resist the lie that says I haven’t forgiven, just because I can’t forget what happened.

In Psalm 25, David gives us a beautiful example of forgiveness that relates to how I’m able to forgive in my life today. In Psalm 25:11, David says, “For the honor of your name, o Lord, forgive my many, many sins.” But just before he asks God to forgive him, he proclaims the goodness of God’s character.

“Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love, which you have shown from long ages past. Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth. Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O Lord.” (Psalm 25:6-7)

Our lives are messy. We’ve made mistakes in our past, and there’s nothing we can do in our own strength to fix that. I can sometimes think that forgetting is something I need to do, and by forgetting, I’m taking action to show God (and myself) that I’ve forgiven. But David shows us a better way. He points out God’s character. He asks God not to remember him because of his faults but in light of who God is. So when we’re tempted to question if we’ve forgiven, we can apply this truth from David’s example.

God’s forgiveness is not available to us because of our actions but because of his character.

Because God forgives, I forgive. And God will help me through my struggles with the bad memories.

When we want to be mad, and we want someone to pay for our hurts, we have the power to take those thoughts captive and make the daily choice to forgive. Not by our own strength, but because of an amazing, loving God.

How We Feel About Forgiving but not Forgetting

When memories resurface from past hurt, it stinks. It feels awful. The pain can be recent and raw, or it can return unexpectedly after a long time.

Either way, it’s okay to feel that pain. Part of taking our thoughts captive is getting to the place where we can say, “Lord, somehow you are going to use this. I give this unbearable pain to you.”

Carmen reminds us once again that we have hope in this: Just because we have memories of something bad that happened to us doesn’t mean we haven’t forgiven that person. Praise God that he will guide us as we process what we can’t forget!

Forgiveness is not only a choice, but it is supernatural. We can release the burden of forgetting as we take our hurts to the Lord. Each time a memory of past hurt returns, we have the opportunity to learn, grow in his grace, and allow God to help us work through those memories to live the abundant life he gives.